Blame It On Fate
by Staz
Summary: My take on the whole 4 percent deal and what followed, following the Season 10 plotline.
1. Sinking deep

Disclaimer: I don't own them or JAG. Please don't sue.

A/N: Okay, this isn't exactly fixing an episode, but it's my view on "The 4 solution". I don't exactly know what happened after it, but I'm taking my own timeline in any case so it shouldn't matter.

It starts off very dark... consider yourself warned. However I always do happy endings so you really have nothing to worry about. Hope you like it.

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She felt like a soda bottle that had been shaken. Her emotions were bubbling up inside of her, and if she wasn't careful, she just might explode and make a giant mess of everything.

Stupid fate. Just as she finally managed to get everything under control, when she was finally beginning to feel normal again, it had to throw her in for another loop.

Sarah Mackenzie hated hospitals with all that she was. They made her feel weak, out of control, helpless and dependant. Everything she fought so hard not to be. This last experience, though, was the toughest she'd ever endured. Lying in that bed, knowing she could've died but by some miracle was saved. Then, seeing that undeniable pain in her partner's eyes, she almost wished she had died.

That night, in a confused state, she did manage to apologize for pushing him away. She knew it wasn't enough, could tell he was tired, and not just physically, from the effort their relationship seemed to take these days. It was in his every move.

Not that it changed much of anything. Weeks later, their relationship was rapidly becoming that of acquaintances and nothing more. She had become even more closed to him and whenever she dared look him in the eye she was met with a look so loaded, it would take her breath away. On her good days she'd think it was love and patience, on the dreary ones she'd be sure it was disappointment and regret.

She no longer sat in her living room with the lights out, she'd moved on and now sat on the bed, in her pajamas, knees pressed tight to her chest. She sat like that for long stretches of time, into the small hours of the night, just spinning things around in her head.

Her life had become mere existence. She had a job she once loved and was now performing just because her innate hatred of quitting kept her from marching into the General's office and resigning her commission. She had friends she loved but were now each a reminder of the important things that she hadn't accomplished, the roads not taken. She knew the close people noticed the change in her. The ones that didn't know her would never guess how unhappy she was, but Harm, Harriet and Bud, even little AJ silently adapted. They didn't say much, except for little AJ who one night just stepped into her arms and whispered in her ear "I love you auntie Mac, it'll be okay." It was all she could do not to cry as she hugged him close and tried to believe his honest innocent words.

The grown-ups already knew better than trying to approach her about it. They'd still hint at it once in a while but more often than not it would just drive her faster away, and they learned to accept it. She hated herself for putting them through such a difficult time with her. She wanted to shake herself, she kept telling herself she was really exaggerating and drowning in sorrows for no reason at all. But try as she might, she'd still end up in bed, with her chin resting on her knees and her eyes brimming with unshed tears. She wanted to give up. Just go to sleep and forget everything. Sleep didn't come. Usually after a couple of sleepless nights she'd sleep for a few hours, but it was a sleep brought on by pure exhaustion and it didn't make things better.

Tonight was not different. It was still early but she didn't expect things to change. She wondered if the mind ever shuts down. If it could ever just stop thinking, even for a minute or two. It could be wonderful if there was a switch to turn off the never ending thoughts for a while and just enjoy the peace and quiet. Her thought were starting to drive her crazy. She was never one to just go out and be with people but right now, for the first time in a while, she really wanted to talk to someone. Have a conversation with someone other than her subconscious mind.

She could always call Harriet... but she wasn't sure she had the mental power to deal with the woman's exuberance when she still felt so down. Chloe wasn't a very good idea either.

And then there was Harm. She knew he would listen to her quietly and talk calmly, and basically sooth her aching soul. But she didn't want to disturb him. She had absolutely no right considering the way she's been treating him. He had moved on, had a life that almost didn't include her at all, and it was entirely her fault.

A few tears irritated the skin of her chin and she angrily wiped them away. She took a deep breath and managed to keep the rest at bay. Sitting alone in her bed was bad enough, if she started crying it would get really pathetic. A few more minutes passed, a distant point on the floor holding her interest.

Without even noticing it she found she had gotten out of bed and walked to the living room. Now she was standing in the middle of the room with no real purpose. She needed to do something, to keep herself occupied.

She started cleaning the shower, getting down and scrubbing the space between the tiles. She'd get all the scale out if it was the last thing she did. From the shower she moved to the kitchen. To say she made a mess would be an understatement, but she put everything back in place and even organized things in the chronological order of the expiration date.

Next came the living room, with every surface dusted and every crumb uncovered. Lastly her bedroom was polished spotless, her sheets were changed and her closet had been arranged by a color code.

Feeling physically drained she stood under the warm and steady current of water, letting the stream caress her skin and wash away everything else. With her eyes closed she just let the liquid massage her body. At some point unbeknownst to her, tears joined the small pool at her feet and she was wracking with sobs that shook her to the core.

When finally the wetness on her face ceased being salty, and she could breath steadily, she closed the water. She had no recollection of drying herself or wearing new pajamas, but when she woke up the following morning she felt significantly lighter.

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So? What did you think? A bit too dark?


	2. The first step

Disclaimer: I own nothing and don't make any money off of this (that would really help, though), so please don't sue.

A/N: I'm thinking of officially declaring that second chapters are flashback chapters... seems to work so far. So.. hope you like this continuation as we slowly make the darkness recede. Your reviews really blew me away! Thank you so much! I did take them to heart and will do my best. I've received a challenge to keep this story within the Season 10 storyline and though I may not be a Marine, I don't back down from a challenge (or at least really try not to) so it might take a while longer as I haven't seen most of that season... let me know what you think! Any advice or if anyone wants to beta read this stuff and help me out with building this piece, I'd love that. And now on with the story!

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Mac opened her eyes and was wide awake instantly. Her gaze focused on a point directly above her and her mind started churning immediately. She'd been sleeping a bit better lately, managing to coax her mind into a lower gear at an earlier hour. She now started making lists, trying to organize the mess that was reigning inside her skull. Starting with the easy ones she listed what she wanted out of life, what were the good decisions she'd made in the past and what were the bad ones. Then she couldn't avoid the really long one – her regrets. As she started writing that scroll, her mind played back for her bits and pieces from her past in living color right before her eyes. The most dominant flashback was the one of the night Harm took her home from the hospital:

/ For once Harm got no argument from Mac as he suggested he'd take her home. She was in no condition to take a cab and though she'd never admit it to him, she needed him there for her.

They stayed silent most of the time. Mac had nothing to say and Harm didn't know what he could possibly utter to bring her out of her shell. He settled for sidelong glances as he drove and taking her hand in his every once in a while. She seemed to accept his attention willingly, which encouraged him further.

When Mac didn't even make a move to try to open the door when they reached her place, Harm took it as the most heartfelt admission that she needed him and trusted him to take care of her. But then again, he always read more into actions than words.

He helped her out of the car carefully and with a steady arm around her middle walked with her to the building and into her apartment.

Step by step they advanced together towards her bedroom. Just as they passed the threshold a sudden weakness bent her knees. Harm immediately adjusted, and kept her steadily upright, bringing his other arm to hold her firmly to him. Her hands were caught between them at his chest, her head fell softly to the warmth of his neck.

Right at that moment she didn't care he was doing this out of a sense of duty. She didn't give a second thought to the fact that this was probably all from pity. She needed his strength like she needed her next breath. She needed his arms around her and his scent intoxicating her. She could feel his soft kisses on the top of her head clear down to her toes. Her head was in a cloud and her muscles weren't complying but the feelings were coursing inside like lightning finding a perfect connection between heaven and earth.

Slowly she lifted her head from its safe haven to find more electricity in his gaze. She couldn't look away. She was mesmerized.

Then suddenly he was kissing her, his mouth hot on hers, his lips tender yet strong. She responded immediately and fully, her hands tracing up to cup his jaw. He injected her with pure hot energy and she hungrily took it in.

The kiss ended lazily, his lips stayed close. Finding the strength she brought her head to his and just rested against him.

Once again he brought their lips together, but this time didn't go further. She could feel his smile against her and was actually tempted to imitate it. Almost.

"Come on. Let's get you to bed." He whispered in her ear as he started walking them to her bed.

He eased her down to the mattress and tucked her in. With a kiss to her forehead he wished her a good night and promised to be right in the next room if she needed him.

She mumbled her thanks and closed her eyes, too exhausted to do anything but breathe.

She must've called for him in her sleep because he was by her side, wearing his patented worried expression. That expression was like a bucket of freezing water emptied on her face. Once again she was the cause for his worry, once again she was nothing but trouble. Rather than let him see the emotions fighting to gain access to her face, she returned to the easy habit she not long ago apologized for. Pulling the sheets with her she turned away, effectively severing any link, mental or physical. Her eyes were tightly shut so she could only tell from the drawn out sigh and slow footsteps that he had left her alone with a heavy heart.

That little voice at the back of her head didn't fail to berate her yet again for hurting him. She wasn't listening. There were too many other voices drowning it out.

When she got up in the morning all she found was an impersonal note. If her heart had room to sink further, it did. If the gaping hole in the pit of her stomach could possibly stretch and widen, she imagined the sound of the membranes separate a few inches more.

The rest of the day was nothing but a blur./

Her gaze refocused as she came back to the present. Beating herself up would be reserved for the night. It was time to put her best face on, regardless of how fake it was, and head out into the world. Yup, it was time.

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"Good morning, Ma'am!"

"Morning, Bud." She answered immediately, immersed in her prospective cup of java.

Bud noticed the change even before her own mind caught up with the fact that the response came easily, without pause, and was accompanied by a small smile.

Only when she caught Bud's grin did she finally get it.

"Something amusing you?" she put forward her best no-nonsense tone, which snapped Bud back to reality.

"N-no, nothing Ma'am, I was just thinking of the upcoming weekend."

Mac's raised eyebrow was her only response. Quickly, a plan formed.

"Actually, Harriet wanted me to ask you if you would like to come to dinner tonight..." at her skeptical look he had to use the trump card, "The kids really miss you."

Her expression softened immediately. "Sure Bud, I'd love to come. I've missed you all too."

The boyish grin returned as he congratulated himself silently. "See you at six thirty?"

Mac simply nodded behind the steaming cup and turned to head to her office, leaving a very happy Bud Roberts in her wake.

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Though her doubts followed her all the way home and from there to the Roberts' residence, and almost made her call to cancel, she made it.

As she sat with Bud and Harriet in their living room after dinner, she felt a tiny bit of her old self come back to her. The small smile gracing her lips wasn't all fake. Part of it came from seeing how thrilled Harriet was to have her. The woman literally beamed. The uppermost left corner of her heart began unfreezing.

Then there were the kids, who could never leave her indifferent. Little AJ wouldn't stop jumping around her all evening and Jimmy hugged her so tight, she could feel their love for her. When she wouldn't let herself dwell on how much she wished she wasn't just visiting another family, she felt really good in their presence. Sadly, that didn't happen much those days.

A boy's cry cut the somewhat comfortable silence between the adults. Bud and Harriet shared a look that apparently decided it was Harriet's turn, but before she could move, Mac was already standing and putting her cooling cup on the table.

"Let me, Harriet. Please."

Harriet smiled her thanks and Mac wondered which of them was more thankful.

Following the voice she found Jimmy teary-eyed in his room.

"Hey, honey, what's wrong?"

Jimmy just sniffed in answer. Mac smiled soothingly at him and picked him up. She was again on the receiving end of the world's greatest hug, which she returned.

Moving to a chair, she sat the little guy on her lap and wiped the few tears away.

"I love your hugs, Jimmy, you really know how to make someone feel loved." He looked at her with his eyes opened wide and a thoughtful expression, as if listening intently and with utmost seriousness to her every word.

"I wish I knew how to love like that. I wish I wasn't so afraid."

As soon as the words left her mouth she froze. Did she just say that? Just spilled her innermost fear to her young godson? She fixed him with an assessing gaze, to which he smartly didn't respond.

"Did you just trick me into confessing, Jimmy Roberts? Thank god you can't quite talk yet, or I would be in real trouble."

Jimmy smiled at her and reached his hands up in a silent request, that was answered instantly. Mac held the child close and breathed in deeply. "I think I should come talk to you more often Jimmy, you're a really good listener..."

When he finally released his tight hold, Mac put Jimmy back in bed with a kiss and bid him good night. She spent a few more minutes watching as he fell back to sleep peacefully. She'd sell her heart for that kid.

Outside the door, stood one very empathic woman, now a bit wiser. The road would be long but she had unflappable faith, things would eventually be right.

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TBC


	3. Snow and Rays of Sun

Disclaimer: I own nothing. There. I've said it.

A/N: I'd like to apologize in advance for any misuse of the English language in this chapter, I had a few things I wasn't sure about... but I'm sure you'll understand what I meant. Like I said I'm gonna take this a bit slow, so bear with me. This chapter is mainly focused on the episode "The Sixth Juror".

My heartfelt thanks to the kind reviewers, your words mean more than you imagine! As usual, hope you like this.

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She stood at the window, her arms crossed over her chest. Snow was coming down in white fenestrated sheets, covering every exposed surface. Her eyes were glued to the natural phenomenon. No matter how many times she'd seen it snow, so many times it was a cause for frustration at being stuck in one place, yet when she stopped and looked at it... she was awed. It was like staring at one of those hidden picture things – her eyes seemed to widen, at once trying to take it all in yet focus on solitary flakes.

As her eyes were occupied her mind wandered. She knew she wasn't well. Her mental state was giving out physical signs. One example was when found she was hot and cold at the same time. Her senses told her that her skin was warm but at the same time told her she was cold... she couldn't decide if she wanted to get under the sheets or change into shorts.

Another was her eyes' tendency to become brimmed with tears at a moments notice. What was most unsettling was that it happened at the office as well. She'd be talking to the general, completely professional and suddenly a certain word would strike a chord and she'd feel the wetness threaten to overflow. Thankfully she was able to stop the tears from actually falling, so far. And that was with Harm out of the office.

She was torn between wanting her normal life back and wanting to crawl under the covers and never come out. She seemed to gravitate amid the two, each day moving a bit in a random direction. One day she felt better, almost like her old self, and the next she'd be 4 feet under the floor. Today she was at ground zero, feeling the pull from both ends.

Releasing a long slow breath, she broke the spell mother nature cast and turned to look over the room. She heard once that dying from hypothermia wasn't such a bad way to go.

Apparently, the floor was wining the contest yet again.

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The sun is warming my skin and I'm very much basking in it. I have to store this warmth, we're going back to D.C. in a few hours.

Though I dreaded this mission and lost what little sleep I do get these days, it turned out to be not so bad. I daresay it was even good. Getting out and away from Washington must've done it. A little change of scenery is always good for the soul. Also, Jen had been heaven-sent as she pretty much dragged me for a few nights out on the town. Granted, we talked mostly about the case, but I actually had a good time, felt a bit good about myself.

By far, the best part of the week, was the talk Harm and I had...

/ Mac just finished getting ready when she heard a knock on her door. As it did every time someone was at her door, her heart missed a beat. Annoyed with herself, she ran a shaky hand through her hair.

"Get a grip MacKenzie, it's just Jen, a little early." She muttered to herself. "Coming!"

Slipping one foot into a sandal she was trying to strap the second one on as she answered the door.

"Hey Jen, I'll just get this thing on and we'll go, okay...?"

Finally getting the strap on right, she raised her head to her caller and was momentarily dumbfounded as her heart screeched to a halt, then proceeded to run a marathon.

"H-harm?"

She received a smile in return as he walked past her. She straightened slowly, trying to swallow down her racing heart and keep her mind.

Harm seemed preoccupied. He paced through the small room back and forth, as if he just couldn't stand still, tapping his cover on his hand all the while. Sadly, he wasn't about to be aided by Mac, who was still rooted to the same spot, and only managed to close the door.

Finally he found the words he was searching for. He stopped pacing and faced her. She was busy praying her face wasn't showing what she was feeling. She might've been relieved to know he was too troubled to notice even if it did.

"Mac."

She reasoned silence was the best way to go.

"Can we call a truce?"

Silence reigned.

"Look, I know you're going through something and you don't want to let me in. I don't understand but I respect it. I just want to be able to be in the same room with you without feeling like your enemy, okay?"

His eyes met hers reinforcing the verbal question with a silent one. It was all she could do to nod her head in agreement.

Harm seemed to follow her lead and nod his head as if trying to make sure it's what he saw. He released a sigh and tried to catch her eyes again, to no avail.

Slowly, dejectedly, he made his way to the door. When he least expected it he felt her hand on his arm. Turning back to her, his eyes brightened at the small smile that graced her lips. As if it was the most natural thing in the world, she stepped into his embrace and hugged him close. Harm for his part reveled in the feel and smell of her, breathing in deeply as she whispered in the general direction of his ear, "Thank you. A truce would be nice."

"Okay, good." /

We didn't actually talk or see each other besides the professional need, but the air was definitely clearer. Breathing came a lot easier. We're not even close to the friendship we used to have, but it's more than I could've hoped for and it helps make my professional life much easier. I will slowly find my work rhythm again, slip back into the Col. MacKenzie character with some ease.

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TBC.

Again my apologies for taking so long and writing short chapters...


	4. Psycobabble

Disclaimer: see last chapter.

A/N: The following chapter brought to you courtesy of Season ten's "Fit for Duty" and my roommate, without whom the scene just wouldn't have come to life. Thanx to DPB for the episode, Utta for the wonderful insights and encouragement and of course to the readers and reviewers! I'll have you know that it was extremely hard not to insert Harm's POV into this, but I resisted the urge – this is Mac's story.

One last thing – please excuse the language.

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I was getting better, damn it! I was! I was professional, I was courteous, downright friendly. My eyes were clear, not a fog in mind's sight and I was so damned close to feeling like my old self again that my skin was tingling! Sadly that's all in past tense.

What is it with shrinks that sends me over the edge? I never liked people who thought they knew me at first glance – people who assume everything and put me in a dark box sought out according to my past. My past is mine and it did influence me and made certain aspects of my personality but it doesn't define me!

I hated Commander McCool at first but she found a way to me. The persistent ones usually do. And I can even admit that she helped me realize a few things. A lot of good that did... I pushed Harm even further away if at all possible.

But it was really getting better and I could perform as his partner and not dig myself a hole to live in. And then they brought the shrink case. Figures. Fate just had to see how I'd react to that one. I'm ashamed just recalling half the things I said. So much for that truce we had going... they're gonna have to invent a new word for utterly and completely disgusting in every way just for me.

I've been standing in my bathroom, bracing myself against the sink and staring at my reflection in the mirror for the past 8 minutes and change. By now I might as well be staring at a complete stranger. When I first walked in, having thrown my briefcase somewhere in the vicinity of the couch and stepping out of my shoes, I went to wash my hands and the mirror caught my eyes. I still had my work face on. Eyes a little shinning, projecting a look that could scare a ghost, and at the same time daring anyone who might look to try and call me on it.

My skin was dry and smooth, my mouth showing remnants of a smile long since forgotten, and most certainly fake.

Little by little it was as if an invisible string that was holding it all together was being pulled by the hand of some spirit. Loop by loop the seams were breaking.

First the smile disappeared completely and gravity took over, claiming the edges of the mouth determinedly down until the word 'sad' could be read across it. Next the eyes were getting shinier, black bags beginning to show under them. Fatigue was in the brows.

Finally the whole mask became a blur as the transparent string came completely free and floated light as a feather, on a journey to the floor. End of story.

With a decisive bang the ceiling came crashing down and I find myself holding onto the porcelain as if it's my last hand hold before I drop to a bottomless pit.

I can see clearly in my mind's eye Harm's face. His expression when I uttered that stupid line. Sure we'd both had to kill before but no one knows better than Harm how those times affected me. No one sees me like him, understand as he does, and yet only to him do I say the most idiotic crap he would never believe. The look he shot me was enough to leave me unsteady for the rest of the day.

I was gently moved from my path to recovery and reacted like an angry bear – scratching and clawing in a classis 'offense is the best defense' strategy. Lash out with sarcasm and verbal barbs and no one will see how much you hurt, how you've broken.

They will truly never know. By now I'm having serious doubts even about my knight in shinning dress whites. He's probably given up on the crazy Marine by now. Chalking it up to another lapse of insanity and leaving me to chew on my own leg till I've calmed down enough to act like a normal human being again.

The stranger in the mirror is showing no sign of any intention to move. She gets blurry every once in a while but she never goes away. I hate this game, once again I'll be the one giving up.

One finger at a time I release my anchor and step away. I peel off the secondary mask of my uniform and step into the shower. The hot current creates a curtain around me and I'm closed in my own little world. I breathe a sigh of relief when my mind finally draws a blank do to the gentle massage on my scalp.

I must've really let the world slip, I was cruelly brought back to it as the current suddenly stopped being hot. It probably got colder over time but it was practically freezing now and what the hell was that noise in the background! Unwillingly brought out of my trans-like state, I angrily get out and wrap a towel around myself. The noise has stopped.. ah hell, I'm out of the shower and pissed off, I'm gonna go find out what happened.

My purposeful march is stopped short in the middle of my bedroom as I come face to face with the source of what I now realize was really loud knocking.

Harm looks as shell shocked as I was when he surprised me last time. Unfortunately for him, I can already feel the wrath building inside me. He should get out. Now. I'm seriously about to blow. I would tell him that but I'm afraid to open my mouth, so I try telepathy.

'Get out. Please, Harm.' I project at him. No go.

"Mac, I'm so sorry. I was knocking and you didn't answer and I knew you were here. I was worried about you... are you okay?"

"Oh, sure, just dandy! I've had a day from hell, everyone thinks I need professional psychological help, I've run out of hot water in the middle of my shower and to top it all off you've just shown up unannounced when I'm standing here shivering in a towel. Oh yeah, I'm great, thanks for caring."

I personally am way past caring. He shouldn't have come. That's okay, he's bound to take the not so subtle hint and walk out, possibly for the last time.

"Mac, you can't go on like this," he's slowly walking towards me, "please let me help you, let me in."

He's kidding me, right? By the look in his eyes, which are now not far from mine, he isn't. I can feel my muscles start to shake with spare energy brought on as pure reflex to my state of mind. He better not touch me.

My brain processes the nerve signals and I realize his hand actually is trailing down my arm. Boom! There goes the fuse. A million thoughts zip through my mind.

/my arm's still wet/He did not just do that/hold me/Fuck off/

"Who in the hell do you think you are!" I don't bother removing his hand, it'll drop of its own violation. "I am not some damsel in distress and you most certainly aren't superman. I'm sorry Mattie's out of your life but you are not my guardian, you have absolutely no right to come barging in here, no matter how noble you think your cause is! I am my own person and if I want to go on like this, I damned well will, no matter what you have to say about it!"

His hand hasn't moved, rather his other hand took a similar position on my other side and he's holding me tight. My breathing is coming in short, quick gasps. Suddenly he's holding me against him and I find myself hoping the water from my shower is covering for the fact that tears are now streaming down my face.

"It's alright, Mac. I've got you, it'll be okay."

Damn it! I will not be reduced to a helpless child! My fists come up to pound his chest and I gain a little space. My entire body is shaking.

"Do not pity me! You're no better! Go back to whichever blond you're with right now and leave me the hell alone! I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP!" I'm yelling at him point-blank.

When I stop to catch my breath and think up another line to sum the emotions fighting to be brought to the surface, I realize he's taken a step back.

My eyes begin to focus again. His are glued to the floor.

"Have it your way. I won't bother you ever again." He says quietly and it scares me more than it would have had he screamed it.

Before another thought crosses my mind, he's gone.

He's gone... he's not coming back... he... Harm...

My knees hurt. I've hit the floor. I've hit rock bottom. Am I drunk? God help me.

----

TBC


	5. Spelling it out

Disclaimer: Same as usual

A/N: Miss me? I admit I missed you guys. Thanx oh so so so much for your great reviews, they just might get me through this annoying semester... We're still in the dark but look! There's a light at the end of the tunnel! A bit farther... on with it!

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18 seconds. She saw him for exactly 18 seconds from the moment he stepped into the General's office, till she stepped out. Already deep in her act, she remained unmoved. No eye contact was made, no acknowledgement, just two people happening to be in the same room at the same time.

This time she'd gone too far, pushed too hard, and once the shaking subsided she realized that really wasn't what she wanted. She would've loved to stay enveloped in his arms, cry her heart out until she had no more tears left, and be comforted by the only person she wanted that comfort from.

Alas, she had a deeply engrained reflex of substituting pain with anger when confronted. When the pain seeped down, anger immediately came bubbling up to the surface, clearing the area from anyone who didn't want to face her wrath, which was most people. Harm wasn't immune, but he was damned close. It took a lot for him to back away. She managed to punch through his last shield.

Sleep was eluding her again. She sat against the headboard of her bed and tried to read. Her eyes kept wandering to her nightstand beside her, where her legal pad rested, half filled with lists.

Finally giving up on the book, she grabbed a pen and reviewed her writing. Did she write these things? Some of the points were only vaguely familiar. Flipping to a brand new page she found writing came quite easily.

Harm,

I don't even know why I'm writing this... no, yes I do. I need to apologize to you. I don't know if I'll find the strength to tell you face to face. Hell, I don't even know if I'll be able to give you this letter, but you deserve this apology. I am so sorry. More than you'll ever know. More than words could ever express. I didn't mean what I said, I just let everything burst out without thinking and you were there...

Everything just flowed out as she went on to explain her behavior in the past few months and how she just didn't want him to feel obligated to her in any way, that she wanted him to have everything in life and be happy.

She finished the letter, which turned out to go on for 3 pages, promising she'd be better and that he needn't worry and that she hoped he would find it in his heart to forgive her, but would understand if it would take time or wouldn't happen at all.

A deep sigh escaped her when she finally leaned back and stared at the cursive scribbling. She had to sign the letter, but how? Sincerely? It most certainly was but that was too formal. Yours? That was going a bit too far. She hadn't even admitted to still wanting to fulfill their deal, much less any of her feelings for him. That would just seem wrong. Just sign her name on the bottom, maybe? No. Love? People sign letters and cards 'Love,' all the time, and not only to someone you're in love with. It doesn't have to mean anything really. And that would seem right...

Before she could analyze it any further she wrote 'Love, Mac." And quickly folded the letter and put it aside.

Sadly enough, though not very surprising, writing the letter did not make the load any lighter. Moreover, another dilemma had been added to the ever growing pile – whether she should give him the letter or not. On the one hand it would help to clear the polluted air between them, and god knows she needed help breathing. Then again, even if she'd manage to get the letter to him without a confrontation, there was no doubt in her mind he'd want to speak to her afterwards and she just wasn't up to the challenge. Damn it all! How the hell was she supposed to get any sleep?

-----

Mac decided she would never understand the expression "burning a hole in your pocket". She felt no burning whatsoever and she'd been carrying the damned thing for two days now. No, no burning, no hole, not even a hint of smoke. Instead it felt like someone added at least 5 pounds to her uniform top. Yes, her letter turned out longer than she'd ever expect but she seriously doubted it weighed that much. Besides, it was getting heavier with time.

12 chances (that she counted) had presented themselves for her to put the letter, relatively unnoticed, on his desk and walk away. Each time her fingers traced the folded pages as her mind warred with itself until her window of opportunity passed and she sighed with relief and frustration.

Now she was sitting in her semi dark office, finishing the last of her paperwork for the day. Her day had not been bad. It wasn't good either, but it wasn't bad. Vukovic had only aggravated her once, and it served as a very good excuse to vent and expel her frustration in the form of well controlled and aimed anger. Poor kid never saw it coming. Oh well, he more than deserved it, going over her head to the General with the weak excuse of wanting to save her time. If he didn't pipe down soon, she'd bury him.

A quiet little voice in the back of her mind uttered 'if only I had myself together like I used to... even when I'm yelling at that insubordinate cocky SOB my eyes are tearing up'

A movement at the corner of her eye made her stop her musings. A familiar tall form was crossing the bullpen toward the elevator. Her fingers automatically searched for what has become her touching stone. Still there. He didn't even glance her way, he'd given up. She had to give him the letter.

She stayed seated a while longer, staring into space, until she remembered she still had paperwork to do. 20 minutes and she was done and once again staring blankly ahead. She didn't feel like going home. What would that accomplish? Another sleepless night followed by another day with the stupid letter in her pocket. For what? She had to give him the letter.

-----

To knock or not to knock? Talk about hard questions. The white envelope was her entire field of sight. His name was written in the exact middle meticulously. Logic predicted she wouldn't stand there indefinitely, but putting off the decision was easier than actually deciding. Her internal clock went on, completely ignored. She could just slide it under the door and walk away. Then maybe claim she didn't write it... but then what was the point of this whole nightmare? Just walk away. Walk away and deal with the night.

She was half turned away when she heard the door open and froze. A cold gust of air rushed passed her in slow motion as her eyes closed and she pretended for a moment. She was on a mountain overlooking the most beautiful vista she'd ever seen. The wind was gently caressing her hair away from her face, tracing lines across her cheeks. Her eyes were closed but the view was wonderful, green expanses, sparkling waters, she wanted to jump. She could soar on the wind like a common bird and see everything up close.

A touch at her hand brought her out of her reverie in a flash of light.

"What?"

"Mac?"

Harm was standing in front of her, holding on to her hand lightly and trying to catch her eyes. Still a bit disoriented she brought her free hand to her forehead and blinked a few times.

"Sorry, must've been dreaming..." she mumbled.

Harm bent to the floor and sent her heart racing. The letter! He was looking at it, then looking at her, his expression unreadable. He bent over once again and picked up a bag, probably trash he was taking out, then faced her again.

"You wanna come it?" He must do really well in poker.

Her first reaction was shaking her head 'no', but then stopped herself. Might as well get this done right, she reasoned. I simply can not walk away knowing he'll go in and read... and think... and decide...

Raising her head a fraction of an inch higher, she nodded once then silently followed him inside. He closed the door behind her and placed the bag on the floor next to it. She stood watching him, taking nothing for granted. For all she knew he hated her. He spent a few minutes just watching her, as if assessing damage. Then made a very simple gesture and extended his hand to her, palm up.

For a second that felt like minutes, she stared at it. So much in that one move, in that one side of his hand extended as it was. No part of her conscious mind participated in the moving of her hand to slip into his.

Harm lead Mac to his couch and they both sat down. He looked at the letter and then at her, then back to the letter.

"Can I read it now?"

"Yeah, sure." She tried to sound nonchalant, but her voice was hollow to her ears.

Very carefully he opened the envelope and straightened the papers held within. He seemed to be engrossed in it. Every once in a while, when she stole glances in his directions, she saw him pause over one part or another. She hoped it was making sense. It seemed to at the time, but words have a tendency to change when written as these were.

Finally she heard the welcomed and dreaded sound of paper being folded. She had half a mind to bolt. But that would probably be painful with her hand still clutched in his, not that she minded the physical pain. His hand squeezed hers and she summoned the courage to look at him.

He was smiling. Truly smiling, eyes and all. What was it she wrote again? Whatever it was she should probably save it, words to make Harm smile like that were precious. Her other hand found its way to his.

"Mac..."

"Please, Harm. Let's not talk about it." The words came out automatically. She couldn't go through it all again. Not yet.

His smile dimmed some but he nodded his understanding.

"I'm sorry, Harm."

"I forgive you, Mac. I could never hate you. Never, hell would have to freeze over first."

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

"Mac?"

I will not cry, damnit!

"Huh?"

"I lost you again, what are you thinking?"

"Oh.. nothing... just.."

"Mac." He was turning serious. Her mantra forgotten, she focused on the face that was so familiar and close.

"I want you to do something. I know you're going to fight me and I want you to know I won't let you win on this." Now it was him that wouldn't look at her.

"What is it, Harm?" She didn't want to fight with him. She didn't know what she did want but fighting wasn't it. She was tired.

"I think you should try and talk with a therapist..." She actually saw him wince as he said it, probably expecting a not so pleasant response. "If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for me. I can't bear to see you like this, Mac." He was pleading with her, begging for understanding. She was exhausted.

"I mean, you might be right, but it could help just to talk to someone impartial about things. Someone who doesn't know you and your past, a civilian maybe!" He was trying to get as many arguments in before the foreseen brush off. She was completely drained.

"Okay, Harm."

"Come on, Mac, just give it anoth... what?"

A small smile graced her lips, playing hide and seek. She did love to see him amazed at her. She used to do that more often once.

"I'll give it a try." She turned her attention to their joined hands, turning them over. "But I'm not making any promises." She looked up to see his smile back in place. "I hate shrinks."

For a second she was sure he was going to kiss her and an entire internal war was waged on her feelings on the matter. But then he brought her hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles.

"Thanks, Mac."

Will not cry. Will not cry.

"I better get going..."

Thankfully he wasn't arguing. He rose with her and walked her to the door, opening it for her.

"See you tomorrow, Mac."

She smiled at him, and gave in to the small child in her. The hug came as a bit of a surprise to him, but he adjusted quickly and held her close. She breathed in deeply, filling her lungs for the deep dive, and slowly let him go. A feathery kiss was placed on her temple and somewhere in the back of her mind she heard a small "ding!". She walked away, knowing that though her battery was small these days, it was now fully charged.

-----

TBC

Have a little faith! Romance will come, this is based on Season 10, remember? ;-)


	6. With a little help from my friend

Disclaimer: I own the third edition of Netter's Atlas of the Human Body. The JAG characters and ideas... not so much.

A/N: I know it's been ages! I'm so sorry! I've no excuses. This chapter is set after "Bridging the Gulf" and before "JAG: San Diego". I'm no psychologist so what I wrote is just a reflection of my thoughts, sorry if it's nonsense... Thanx goes out to the readers and wonderful reviewers, your reviews are out of this world! As per usual, you light up my mailbox :-)

-----

The plate on the door read "Dr. A. Steinberg".

Mac took a deep breath, trying to calm her frying nerve fruitlessly. She hated being nervous. She hated this whole thing. All the way there her hand kept heading to the blinker - just make a U-turn and go back home to a quiet evening with a good book. Annoyingly enough, the small voice in the back of her head kept reminding her she'd promised Harm, then went on to bring the memory to life and cause warmth to spread through her body.

Shaking herself out of the past once again she finally raised her hand to knock. Once she got a short answer, she entered and closed the door behind her.

Dr. Steinberg was sitting behind his desk reading a file, Mac presumed contained the few papers she'd filled out earlier and didn't even raise his head to acknowledge her entrance. The urge to stand at attention was getting stronger by the second. It was all she could do to repeat to herself 'This is a civilian psychiatrist and I am in civvies, he doesn't even know I'm a Marine for god's sake!'

Mac didn't quite know what to do and this guy wasn't helping any. One minute and 20 seconds later she was ready to turn and leave, promise or no promise.

Not having expected it, the Dr.'s voice startled her.

"Miss MacKenzie, I presume?" she gave a quick nod which he returned. "Please, take a seat." Standing up, he gestured to one of his guest seats.

As she moved to sit, she finally found her tongue to thank him.

The Dr. came to sit on the second chair across from her, taking his glasses off in the process. In a way he reminded her of Admiral Chegwidden, if you ignored the extra weight, the mustache and the hair. His demeanor and piercing gaze made her once again fight the urge to put on her Marine face.

"So, Miss MacKenzie. All I know is that you've suffered various traumatic experiences in recent years and feel that it's come to have an undesired affect on your life. I'd like to stress that you can say anything you want. You can lie to me for all I care but I doubt that will do you much good. This is your place to get everything off your heart and maybe even get some good advice." With that he leaned back and waited.

Mac let out a long slow breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. She was intentionally vague in her writing, so as to give herself more options and room to maneuver. Now she wasn't exactly sure what to say. Not comfortable with the silence, she decided to give her tongue freedom and see where it would lead her.

"I'm not quite sure where to start.." conscious effort was made to stop her fingers from repeatedly playing with her ring or the edge of her skirt. Thank god for Marine training.

"I guess the end is appropriate... I'm here because a very close friend of mine, the closest in fact, asked me to."

Risking a glance in the Dr.'s direction she was relieved to find no judgment in his expression, and since he made no remark to her opening line she just went on.

"Harm has been my partner for the last 9 years. We've gone from best friends to almost something more, to mere acquaintances and back again. I can not talk about my life without mentioning him."

Her audience still made no sound, and talking was becoming easier and less hindered. It was strangely freeing, just laying all of the jumbled thoughts out without holding anything back. She went on.

"At some point we made a deal that if in five years neither of us were involved we'd have a baby together, I know it sounds stupid, but somehow it felt right at the time. We've been through a lot together, much more than I could even tell, but every time one of us was ready to take the next step, the other took one backwards. Recently I found that due to a medical condition my odds of carrying a child are very slim, practically nonexistent. Harm was very supportive but I wouldn't let him close. I didn't want him to feel obligated to our deal when I couldn't hold up my part of the bargain. Everything just... just crashed. I've lost control. My life has been a twisted rollercoaster for a while now, and I'm finally coming to admit it's making me dizzy and quite nauseous."

Mac felt as if she was hearing someone else tell her story, as if those thoughts formed in her mind only after she heard them come out of her mouth.

"I blew up at Harm a little while ago and when I finally found the wherewithal to apologize he practically begged me to let someone help me through this time."

The words that at first trickled out, were now flowing at an alarming rate. Mac never thought she could bare her soul like that to a complete stranger. Her eyes were darting to different spots around the room, never really focusing on one thing or another. Occasionally they met with their companions to find a neutral, calm gaze almost willing her on. She went on a bit to describe how she thought Harm had moved on and how she couldn't sleep. And suddenly realized she didn't have much more to say.

"I.. I don't know. I mean, maybe this really is some sign that we're not supposed to be together. If it was meant to happen, wouldn't it have happened already? Wouldn't we be married with 2.5 kids and a dog? I'm so sick and tired of all of it..."

And just like that, the dam closed. She was very grateful that she didn't break into tears this time around. Patiently, head downcast, she waited for the ever silent Dr. to say his piece.

"Well. With a bit more detail your life could make for a very successful movie or TV series."

That got Mac's attention. Her head snapped up and her eyes widened, only to find a twinkle in the Dr.'s eyes and a very sympathetic smile on his lips. Without any assent from her conscious mind her lips formed almost the same expression.

"We don't have much time left but I think it was very important for you to let it all out as you did. I do think we should meet again to discuss some of those traumatic experiences in more detail, maybe release some of their hold on you, but for now I'm going to let you go." Leaning forward with his hands resting on his knees, he yet again reminded her of her former CO. "I'm not going to tell you to go home and think about it, because it's obvious you've done too much of that already. You're very aware of yourself and that's important to your getting back in control as you called it, but too much of a good thing can sometimes be bad. Sometimes you need to take a deep breath and rather than delve into the situation, take a step back and watch things unfold. Lets the big picture come into focus, whatever it may be. How does that sound?"

"Well, I think I needed that too, but I don't really see how this is going to help any."

Dr. Steinberg stood and walked over to the shelves covering one of the room's walls.

"I'm sure there's at least one book here that would agree with you." He turned to her with a smile. "I get a lot of people coming through that door with the firm belief that I get paid for doing absolutely nothing and go out that door damning me. This is not an exact science. You'll find not many things are."

He started pacing a bit and Mac got the funny feeling that someone their roles have been reversed.

"The human mind is a marvelous thing. I don't pretend to understand it, I can only offer you the experience I've accumulated from my time in this profession and promise you that if you want to get better and I mean really want to, your mind will get you out of any mess it's got you into in the first place."

Inexplicably, his words started a little ripple of hope going inside her.

"One last piece of bull before you leave."

Mac raised an eyebrow at the Dr., but he just smiled mischievously and walked to his desk. He pulled out a stack of papers from the distinguished pile and straightened it.

"Before you go to sleep every night try this little trick. Lie down comfortably, preferably on your back. Clear your mind from any and all thoughts, envision a white blanket covering them all. Let your body relax muscle by muscle and feel your blood flowing freely through your veins. Then repeat to yourself a calming sentence you chose beforehand over and over again."

Mac didn't quite know what to make of this and so just sat there, again Marine training saving her from embarrassing herself by letting out some cynic remark.

"If that doesn't work, here, read this latest research on insomnia," he handed her the papers, "it made me fall asleep right here at my desk."

He winked at her and she couldn't help but let out a small laugh. This guy was something else.

"Now, good day to you, Miss MacKenzie, I have other people to entertain."

Mac shook his proffered hand and left. Shaking her head in amazement as she walked to the car, she hoped to god Dr. Steinberg was right.

-----

That night she lay in her bed staring at the ceiling. Mac was tired. She suspected she needed about two weeks worth of sleep to catch up with what she lost, but feared it would elude her as it always did.

Slowly forcing air out, she figured she'd give the Doc's advice a shot.

Her eyes drifted shut and her breath evened. One by one she made a mental list of the body parts that were relaxing. First her toes, then her feet, her calves were a sore spot but eventually they too were at peace. Inch by inch her list climbed higher till she reached her head.

Next a comfortable, warm quilt was spread over her conscious mind. A single sentence was stitched on it multiple times.

'I will get better'

----- (a few days later)

The door opened wide.

"I come in peace." A small smile graced Mac's lips.

Harm's smile was a bit guarded as he opened the door wider still to let her in. Very slowly she walked past him, then stopped and turned back to face him.

Harm closed the door and looked at her expectantly.

"There's something I've been wanting to do for a while now.."

A raised eyebrow and slightly widened eyes was the only response she got. Not what she expected but she took it anyways. Almost timidly she walked to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his shoulder.

It took Harm two whole seconds, but then his arms encircled her and drew her closer still, warming her to the bones. She breathed in his scent and raised her head to whisper 'thank you' in his ear.

"For what?" he was whispering as well but she heard the words as they formed as air in his lungs.

"For being the best friend a girl could ever ask for."

Mac pulled back to look in Harm's face. He was rather adorable when he was flustered. Taking his hand in hers she pulled him towards the couch.

"How about some pizza?"

"Huh?"

"Pizza. You know, dough with sauce and cheese and vegetables or meat..."

"I know what pizza is... Mac?"

Mac knew she had a lot of explaining to do but her appetite was making a comeback and she hoped food would also quiet the butterflies in her stomach.

"Yeah, I know. Come on, I'll order and explain everything over the food, okay?" Her fingers were crossed as she pleaded with any higher power that would listen that he'd just go with her. She needed time to regroup, since his eyes had the annoying tendency to throw her off mark lately.

Luckily some higher power or other was paying attention. They ordered their usual half and half and talked shop till the food arrived.

Over dinner Mac told Harm about her first visit to Dr. Steinberg and how she was actually getting more sleep. She proceeded to recount her second visit and how the Doc kept reminding her of the Admiral. She decided not to explain why she was once again keeping some distance between them, thinking it would only hurt him that she needed that space to come to terms with her own mind and heart before handing them to him.

Harm seemed genuinely happy for her as any true friend would be and she basked in his approval and obvious pride in her.

They talked about any topic they stumbled upon, from Chloe's recent adventures in the shopping mall to her upcoming assignment in San Diego. Harm's stifled yawn was Mac's cue to head home, against Harm's repeated arguments as he followed her to the door.

"Thanks, Harm, I had fun tonight."

"I'm glad." His smile was infectious.

With a hand on his chest she leaned up to place the briefest kiss on his lips, then turned and walked away without looking back.

A self-satisfied smile played on Mac's lips, Sarah MacKenzie was shining through the cracks and god help her she was going to break free. She also prayed the same god would help Harm understand as she readied herself for him.

-----

So? What're you guys thinking?


	7. Uturn

Disclaimer: same as usual.

A/N: U turn coming up! Based on JAG: San Diego and Death at the Mosque, this chapter will undoubtedly have some of you annoyed, but you all know that goes with following the story line of any of the show's seasons. Thanks so much for those who stuck with me throughout the short posts and long in-betweens, you guys are the best! Keep reading and reviewing! I'll strive to be better.

-----

The music reverberated inside her body. To any unsuspecting passerby and even to the more attentive eye she seemed indifferent to the music and dancing going on behind her back. But Sarah MacKenzie was different. She held herself very still but took everything in, the edges of her lips just slightly curved upwards. She was taking teeny tiny baby steps but they felt good.

For one thing, her eyes have seemed to dry out, for which she was eternally grateful. The best thing she'd done in the past couple of years was hold on and back up. It was amazing how the world came into focus when you looked away from it for a second.

Mac felt a presence come close and immediately recognized it. If she pretended really hard, she could put up with this guy. Vukovic spewed some crap in her direction and she smiled sweetly. The attention was definitely flattering, especially since she was safe in the knowledge that young Gregory had absolutely no power over her in any way whatsoever. What harm could a little game bring?

Harm. The thought of him was enough to bring peace to her soul, she had no idea what she'd done right to deserve him. He'd grown up in the years she'd known him, grown attentive and more quiet. The more she thought about it, the more she figured they'd finally reached the point where they both needed and gave in a way that molded them together perfectly.

Now she finally felt good enough about herself to let things take the route nature had in mind. Mac didn't want to take the first step too soon so she settled for letting winds bring them closer. Her fingers were itching to dial his number. The entire conversation was planned out in her mind. Fantasies of what could happen were playing in repeating loops in her dreams.

Still Mac held back. Given that she'd known Harm for some 9 odd years she had an odd feeling of being in the beginning stages of a budding new relationship. She didn't want to scare Harm off with too much attention. She knew it was silly, yet couldn't shake the feeling. Oh well, they had time, they weren't going anywhere.

-----

"Is something wrong?"

When the General had to shake her out of her thoughts for the third time during dinner, Mac knew she had to excuse herself and settle the thoughts and feelings that wouldn't let her sit still.

"Rabb."

"Hey, it's me."

"Mac." He sounded exhausted. Somewhere in the back of her mind an alarm went off.

"What's wrong?" her tone indicated she wouldn't take excuses for an answer.

"Mattie's been in an accident."

"Oh my god." She gasped. "Is she okay?"

His sigh made her heart sink an inch lower in her chest. "We don't know much yet. It's bad but we won't know how bad for a while. This can't be happening..."

"God... Harm, I'm so sorry. Tell me what I can do." She didn't know why she was whispering. She wasn't the one in a hospital.

"There's nothing to do, Mac... Pray for her..."

"I will, Harm. I'll call you the minute I get home."

"Okay, Mac, thanks."

"Anytime. Bye." She was still whispering. Anywhere, anyhow, anyway, anything he ever needed.

"Bye."

Mac hated this kind of phone conversations, the type that required a hug and physical support that left you mumbling cut out quotes into the receiver instead. She wanted, no, needed, to be there for him, but couldn't press harder, felt she had no right. Tomorrow was sadly a day away.

-----

I definitely think 20 calls and 5 different messages over 3 days are considered harassing. I've been harassing Harm. Well, I can't help it! The man will not cooperate! The last two nights were hell on my nerves. Even when I did manage to sleep, it was a troubled sleep, filled with disconcerting dreams and nightmares.

When he didn't answer my 21st call a couple of hours ago I made a snap decision. Now here I am at the hospital parking lot, freezing my ass off and working up the nerve to go in. It takes 5 minutes in the chilly air to convince the little voice at the back of my head that Harm will not kick my out for coming to check on him and I'm in.

As I step into ICU I'm painfully reminded of how much I hate hospitals. Hate is not strong enough a word for what I feel. Funny how hospitals tend to have bad connotations, isn't it? Enough. I need to find Harm.

And there he is. My heart can't help but skip a beat and I have to keep myself from smiling at the sight of him, even if I am just staring at his back. Stealing a glance at Mattie makes my heart stop momentarily but somehow I'm not as shocked as I thought I would be.

"Hey, sorry to come uninvited, but I needed to find out how you were."

He turns to me and I keep my hands crossed tightly in front of me to hold in the urge to hug him.

"Hanging in..."

"How is she?"

"It's too soon to tell... I wanted be here, you know? If-When.. when she, uh, wakes up."

"The General said to take as much time as you need." I take a deep breath and jump right in. I need to know. "Harm, why haven't you returned any of my calls since I got back from San Diego?" His sigh of frustration before I get the question out is not a good sign.

"Cause you were gonna ask me questions I can't answer, Mac, and tell me things I didn't want to hear." He moves to sit down and I follow.

"That's what friends are for." What else can I say?

"Well, this is my problem." He won't even look at me. Christ, why does it always have to be this hard!

"You look exhausted." More like broken to pieces with the weight of the world still crushing.

"Somebody needs to be here with her."

"What about Tom?" I have a bad feeling I know the answer to that question, his look confirms it. "How long?"

"Haven't seen him for three days... I keep hoping he would sober up and come back."

I know he doesn't want to hear this but I stand by what I said earlier, he has to think with his head too. If he won't, I will. "Well, that may never happen. Have you notified Social Services?"

"I wanted to be sure first."

"Harm, you're an officer of the court, this isn't a judgment call. You have no option!"

I almost break down at the pain etched into his features. "They'll take her away from him, Mac, make her a ward of the state."

Taking another look at Mattie, hooked up to god knows how many tubes, I keep at it. "Not if you partition for custody again."

Harm's not convinced. "She needs more than a revolving door"

And I'm out of arguments, I just really want to hold him. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Can you perform miracles?" For you? I'm willing to learn magic.

"Why don't you go get some rest?" I finally allow some contact as I trail my hand comfortingly over his arm and to his back, "Let me be with her for a while, okay?"

I am seriously about to cry as he starts shaking his head and covering his face with his hand.

"Don't. don't, Mac."

My hand feels like it's burning as I carefully remove it from his form. He's closing off tighter than he ever had before and there's absolutely nothing I can do besides hold my tears inside until I'm out of earshot.

"Let me know when you need me." I manage to get out. I keep looking at him, expecting him to at the very least spare me a glance, something. Come on, Harm! Don't be as stupid as I was! Let me in! He simply nods, now covering his mouth. I get the message, Flyboy, loud and clear. Shutting up and going away, right now.

My steps sound hollow in my head as I walk away. I steal one last glance at him before I'm out of sight and he's still sitting in the exact same position. Oh, Harm.

The tears come in the elevator. I'm not crying, I've just lost control over the tear generator. I keep my eyes fixed at some point in the distance the whole way to the car, god only knows how I managed not to run into something or somebody.

And here I stand once again in the cold air outside my car. The tears have stopped but I can't bring myself to get in the car and drive away. How pathetic am I? Harm made it quite clear he didn't want me to even be there, and I'm actually thinking about going back in? I am. I'm going back in there. I can physically feel the resolve fill me. Hell, I'm a Marine! Since when do I wait for permission! I'm going back in there and I will help, regardless of what the Navy says.

I'm as aware as I would be in a combat zone when I step off the elevator and into the ICU for the second time tonight. I can't see Harm so I inch slowly to get a better look around the floor.

Harm's at Mattie's bedside, so I head for the nurses' station on the other side, making sure I'm not in Harm's line of sight. There's an old nurse manning the station, busily arranging patient files and doctor's orders, while monitoring various screens bearing signs of life.

"Hi, excuse me." I half whisper.

The nurse immediately snaps her head in my direction, startled out of her concentration.

"I'm sorry, I didn't see you standing there, dear, what can I help you with?" All I can think is 'thank god she's one of those nice nurses'.

"Has he been here all along?" I nod my head towards Mattie's room and an understanding sympathetic smile shows.

"He's gone down to his car once and to the men's room a few times. We've had to force feed him a few times."

The tears are threatening once again. Damn that stubborn squid.

"He won't let me help him." I have no idea why I'm confiding in a total stranger, but she doesn't seem to mind.

"Yeah, he's a stubborn one isn't he? My John's like that too, acts like the weight of the world is only his to bear. Foolish old man that he is." She gets this faraway look in her eyes and I have a picture of Harm and me as an old married couple in my mind's eye. "The trick is to help, yet have them believe they're doing it all on their own." I look at her and mirror the knowing smile. The nurse, who I've now noticed, is named Lea, moves to get a look into Mattie's room. She makes a show of tiptoeing in my direction and placing a finger over her lips to indicate Harm's out cold and I take the cue with a thankful smile.

I move quietly into the room though I'm pretty sure nothing short of Mattie moving would wake up the sleeping flyboy by the teenager's bed. There are a couple of blankets on a seat in the corner. I use one of them to cover Harm and place the other behind his back so he'd be more comfortable if he leans back in his sleep. I find his sea bag tucked under the bed and rummage through it. He's got a few clean items left, the dirty ones I take out and try to hide them not being there by putting a blanket in their place.

I run down to my car to throw them in the back seat. Going through my own sea bag I grab a couple of his shirts and a pair of boxer shorts I've long since given up on giving back and some baby-wipes and head back up. On the way I hit the machines, getting two bottles of water and some granola bars.

Stepping out of the elevator I look for Lea, and relax a bit when I find her and get a reassuring nod that the coast is still clear. I place the food on the bedside table and the clothes in his bag as if he put them there. He'd be too tired to question this, I know. If this is the only way I can help I'll deal with being a shadow. I'll wash his clothes, bring him food and check up on him. He would've, as he's proven time and time again, done the same thing.

I draw up a chair to Mattie's other side and gently caress her hand, watching the IV.

"You have to wake up and get better, Mattie. He needs you just as much as you need him, maybe even more. He'll be there for you no matter what happens, you know? Even when the world seems to drop from under you, he'll always be there to catch you and put you on your feet again without your asking for it. So you see, you have to wake up kiddo, or the world will lose its Superman. I promise to take care of him until you're capable of taking the considerable load again, but one can only deal with a sleep deprived Harmon Rabb Jr. for so long, so you need to promise me you'll do your best, okay Mattie?"

I'm not really sure I believe people in comas hear what's going on around them but if there's even the slightest chance she can, I have to convince her to get back. I need her to come back to him so he can come back to me. I sit and shift my gaze from one sleeping form to another for a while, letting my thoughts float aimlessly. Finally I let out a sigh, I've got things to do. Leaning up I place a soft kiss on Mattie's forehead.

"Remember, you have to get better soon and come back to us, Mattie. I know you're a fighter. I'm counting on you, girl."

On my way out I stop to thank Lea again.

"Thank you, Lea. Here's my number, could you call me if there's any change? You can also call if mister tough guy in there becomes too much to handle."

Lea chuckles and takes the paper from me, nodding. "No problem, dear, I'll fill the other nurses in on the situation."

"He'll probably be too tired to notice, but if he asks..."

Lea puts up a hand to stop me, then mimics locking her mouth and throwing away the key, adding a wink for good measure. I smile gratefully and she goes on about her considerable business.

With new purpose I head out, this time not wasting a second before getting into my car and driving away. Mattie will pull through. She simply has to. And so will Harm, I'll make sure of that.

-----

TBC


	8. Wake up call

Disclaimer: I'm just having some fun, nobody sue.

A/N: The focus is on Dream Team, second to last episode, also second to last chapter. The two scenes of Mac confronting Harm in his office are quoted from the episode. You guys are the absolute best! Your reviews send me sky high each time!

-----

It's been going on for weeks. Ever since the night Mac took on the job of a shadow, the show seemed to play out on its own. Mac would drive almost every other night to the hospital a few hours after she knew Harm drove there. She'd take some laundry, make sure he had water and some snacks available, talk with the nurse on duty for a while, sit with Mattie if Harm was asleep then head home for a short night's sleep. By now she knew every nurse in the ICU by name, along with their life story and they knew she was Harm's shadow and both Harm and Mattie's guardian angel. Even Mattie's doctor, though he took few night shifts, knew Mac and the story behind the woman who, along with a tall father figure, became a fixture on their floor.

Nurse Lea, as she liked to be called, took many night shifts and soon became a good friend to Mac. On nights Mac didn't make it for whatever reason, Lea left her a message the following morning, filling her in on what she missed.

True to Lea's advice, Mac made sure to help Harm only in small things he either wouldn't notice or dismiss. After a week she decided to bring Harriet to her side and told her what she'd been doing. Harriet was only too happy to help in what she could, which turned out to be making food for Harm which Mac put in his apartment. She knew Harm would be much less hesitant in accepting help from Harriet, especially in the form of food. About once a week, Mac brought a meal to the hospital as well. She left it with the nurse in charge, who in turn convinced Harm that some other nurse left her food and went home already and that it would be a waste to throw it out.

Things weren't any better in the office and Harm wasn't making it easy to help. Though she wasn't surprised, it still warmed Mac's heart that absolutely everyone (with the possible exception of Vukovic) pitched in and tried to help their colleague in a way that wouldn't get them thrown out the door. All in all, headquarters was running smoothly, so the General wasn't complaining about a certain unfocused Commander.

Interaction between Harm and Mac was minimal to her displeasure. He seemed to avoid her as best as he could, opting to be completely professional. This fact made Mac even happier that she'd clued Harriet in to her secret, for the petite woman's support was endless and exactly what Mac needed whenever she was close to giving up and requesting a transfer.

Lea's morning messages told Mac when Harm would have a better day, all things considered, and on those days Mac put her best face forward and tried to reach out to the man who used to be her rock and now seemed to crumble to the ground. Harriet was the one who picked Mac up after those attempts.

"Ma'am, you just have to be strong for him right now. He needs you even though he won't let you near, you know it as well as I do."

"I know, Harriet, I know."

"Well then, what's that frown for? Suck it up, Marine!"

-----

Oh god, Harm's sleeping at his desk. Lea told me it had been a rough night at the ICU. Mattie was supposed to be moved, since she still wasn't waking up. The minute Harm heard about it he put up a fight Lea swears she rarely saw, even from parents. There was no doubt he was going to win and Mattie stayed put.

I walk in and close the door behind me not so quietly. He jolts awake.

"Hey. Wow, I must have dozed off for a second." No kidding.

"You work all day, and you sit up with Mattie all night, drive back and forth to Blacksburg, it's a wonder you can function at all." That was supposed to sound more sympathetic... I can't help it, this guy's driving me nuts!

"Oh, yeah, I'm real amazing."

"You know you won't do Mattie any good if you fall asleep and drive under an 18-wheeler on the I-81."

"That's not gonna be happening, Mac." he says around a huge yawn. I'd shout 'ha' and point in his face if I let my inner voice speak up. Instead I sigh.

"What's her doctor saying?"

"Same thing. Spinal injury, minimal brain damage."

"Well, minimal's good, right?" If I could just hold him right now...

"If it's so damn minimal, why won't she wake up?" that's right, Harm, let it out. Who am I kidding, once again, I'm the one on the verge of tears.

"Maybe you should take a few days leave, I'm sure the General would understand..."

He only shows me the distinguished pile of files on his desk. "See this backlog? Not to mention this case I was just handed with Vukovic..."

The conversation moves to the twerp and I don't like where Harm's taking it, so I shove it back in his face. "We haven't slept together if that's what you're asking. Go home, Harm, get some sleep."

He says something about a meeting then leaves the room, leaving me sitting there in his guest chair, wondering what I'm going to do next.

-----

Every time I think Vukovic's getting bearable, I'm proven wrong. You'd think I would've learned by now not to give him even an inch. Vukovic doesn't even come close to Harm, even in his uglier times, how dare he say I see Harm in him? To be fair, I could probably see Harm in a blank wall, I'm thinking about him so much lately. I shake my head as I walk into the bullpen. Walking by Harm's office I am forced to stop and make sure I'm seeing what I think I'm seeing. Has he fallen asleep again?

"Come in, I'm not sleeping." He's peering at me between two fingers, and for a second I'm reminded of a child at a scary movie. I hope I won't scare him away.

"Long day?"

"Aren't they all?" he says almost under his breath.

"So, are you going to see Mattie later?" I go for the casual approach. I know damned well what he's going to do, I've got it down to each second by now.

"Probably."

"I'd like to come with you." God I hope that didn't sound like I just heard it.

"That's not necessary." I could slap him, he doesn't even bother looking my way, too absorbed in some file and his computer.

"I know it's not necessary, but I'd like to."

"Another time." This time he does throw a look my way, and I'm wishing he'd have stuck to the computer screen. I've never seen so much exasperation in a look from him. God, Harm! For some reason I can't hold back like I would usually.

"When I needed support, you were there and I pushed you away, so I suppose I deserve this."

"I'm not pushing you away, Mac, and this isn't about payback." Right... I believe you! Try fooling someone who doesn't know you as well as I do next time.

"Harm, you can't keep going on like this." Something about this speech sounds familiar... "You have to let someone in. Not me, fine, but someone." I'm practically begging. He doesn't even bother answering though, just gives me this look... oh god, that's exactly what he said to me back then! How sad is this? Well, this is going nowhere, better luck next time, Marine.

"Say hi to Mattie for me." I think I see him nod his acknowledgement, but it could just be my imagination. I'm out the door, hoping against hope he'll call me back into his office.

-----

"MacKenzie."

"Mac? It's Lea."

"Hey! Is everything ok?" She doesn't sound like she's about to deliver bad news.

"Everything is wonderful! Mattie woke up!"

"Oh my god! Oh, thank god! I.. I.. this is great! Lea, thank you so much for calling me, it's the best thing anyone told me in quite a while."

"I know, dear. You should have seen your Commander, I thought he was going to pass out." I can only imagine because that would probably never happen.

"I bet. So what's going to happen now?"

"Now we keep monitoring and hope Mattie's up to some more fighting. She's still got quite a ways ahead of her, you know."

"She's a fighter, Lea, and she's got at least two more backing her up."

"Don't I know it. Okay, I need to get back to my duties, I just knew you'd want to hear the good news."

"You have no idea what this means to me, Lea, thank you so much."

"Oh, I think I have one idea... I'll talk to you tomorrow, bye."

I actually let out a short happy squeal, as I sit on the couch and bring my knees up. It's going to get better. Now I just have to wait for Harm to come tell me the news and I know we'll get back on track.

-----

Well, it's been almost 24 hours since Lea's call. I saw Harm fleetingly at work but he was too busy with the case to really talk and I couldn't very well walk up to him and ask him why he wasn't telling me that Mattie woke up. So I waited patiently, but didn't bother hiding the small smile that became glued to my face.

There's a knock at the door and I wonder if my psychic powers are this good. I open the door to find a very uncomfortable looking Harm on my doorstep. If I hadn't talked to Lea I would've feared the worst. Why's he this fidgety?

"Hey, come on in."

"Thanks."

I have to play along and react to how he's behaving, not to what I know from my sources...

"What's wrong, Harm...? Mattie...?" Not a bad actress if I do say so myself. That seems to shock him out of his funk and finally I see traces of a real smile. God, I missed this smile.

"Mattie woke up yesterday." It took you long enough.

"Harm, that's great!" I practically scream and pull him into a tight hug. We're not at work and I need this just as much as I suspect he does. Harm immediately pulls me into him and I'm not inclined to let go anytime soon.

"Mac, would you, uh, like to come with me to the hospital tomorrow..? I think Mattie would be happy to see you." That's a peace offering if I ever heard one. If he could see the grin on my face he'd raise a brow, but I'm not finished hugging yet. I squeeze him closer one last time then slightly pull back to look at him. "I'd love to."

Almost reluctantly he pulls completely away and suddenly looks like a lost boy. Motherly instinct kicking in, I take his hand and lead him to the couch.

"So, how're you holding up?"

"I'll be fine now."

"What doing to happen?" It's always been like this. I'm always the voice of reason and he's talking in riddles and hints.

"I'm going to petition for custody again. This time, I'll make sure she stays with me untill she's 18." 'Atta boy, knew you'd listen to reason eventually.

"What about Tom?" I have to ask again.

"He doesn't deserve a second chance," I can feel the anger emanating from him though his voice is calm, "for Mattie's sake I need him to get better, but I'll be damned if I let him break her heart again."

I squeeze his hand in silent support. I know firsthand how easy it is to give into the need at hard times, but Tom should've resisted it for Mattie, he still had something very important to stay sober for.

"Well, I'd better go, I want to be at the hospital early tomorrow morning to talk to the Doc and still make it back to the office on time."

Harm is already on his way to the door when I manage to form the words, "so, when are you picking me up?"

He whirls around to face me. "You want to come in the morning?"

"Going back on your invite, flyboy?" I just have to tease.

"No, no, I mean, I just thought, never mind. Pick you up at 0530?"

I simply nod and follow him to the door. Staying inside when he steps out I watch him walk away from my door. When he's almost out of sight and I'm about to close the door, I see him stop and double back in my direction. I look back inside, but find nothing of his that he left behind. I take a few steps to meet him halfway. "Did you forget something?"

"Yes." He seems somewhat unsure and I'm officially lost. "Thanks, Mac."

The smile spreads my lips automatically. A peace offering and then thanks? Will wonders never cease? Giving into the impulse, I place a barely there peck on his lips.

"You're welcome. Thanks for sharing the news with me."

Once again a hint of his smile warms my insides. He walks away and I stay in the hallway 10 seconds after he left, my mind a contented blank.

-----

0530 sharp and I'm waiting on the curb. I know Harm won't be late this time. At 0531 I see his car approaching. I get inside and he keeps driving as if he never stopped.

"Morning, Mac."

"Good morning. Sleep well?"

His eyes on the road, he nods then points to a bag next to my feet.

"I brought coffee and bagels." I'm impressed and let him know. Coffee always tastes better when it's really early and there's a long day ahead. "Oh, bless you." I sigh contentedly and turn to him just in time to see a small grin on his lips.

The drive passes with an easy silence and some small talk that goes nowhere.

I let Harm step off the elevator first and follow him slowly, I want him to have a second with Mattie plus I want to see who's manning the nurse station. Harm's in with Mattie and I send Lea a wink, which she returns. If Lea had the night shift, I am sure everything's okay.

I enter Mattie's room to find Mattie awake and smiling.

"Mac!"

"Hey, Mattie, nice to see you awake, you gave us all quite a scare."

"Yeah, sorry about that. Harm probably wasn't that easy to deal with either, huh?"

Harm huffs good naturedly, "I'm still in the room you know."

I just ignore him and squeeze Mattie's hand, "You have no idea, kiddo, it's great to have you back."

"I'm going to go find the Doc so you two can talk behind my back."

"Good." I say and chuckle. Mattie's smile widens and Harm sighs in mock exasperation and walks out the room.

"So, how're you feeling, really?" she's probably sugarcoating for Harm's sake.

I can tell she wants to shrug her shoulders and her face turns somber. "I'm getting used to the idea of the whole recovery process... and to dad's..."

She doesn't have to finish. "It'll be okay, Mattie, he'll be sober again. I speak from experience when I say it's possible. And Harm will be there every step of the way."

"Yeah, I know. What about you?" I try not to let my shock show.

"If you want me to." I answer honestly.

"I know you've been coming to visit without Harm knowing." This time I can't even keep my mouth shut and my jaw falls open, to which Mattie smiles again and explains. "I had this feeling you were here so I asked the nurse if you were. She told me about your visits and how you helped Harm even though he wouldn't accept any help."

What am I supposed to say to this? No one was supposed to find out. "It's okay, Mac, I won't tell him if you don't want me to."

I didn't even know I was holding my breath until she said that. "Thanks Mattie, I just.. don't know how I would explain... I mean... he was so stubborn!"

"Yeah, but you love him anyway." If the kid isn't careful that smile could split her face in half. I don't think there's any point in denying that by now and I smile back in acknowledgement.

I look up to see Harm looking at us through the window to ICU.

"Well, I'm gonna give you and Harm some time alone, while I find out who's the nurse that snitched and what her home address is." I joke and place a kiss on Mattie's forehead. "Remember, the sooner you get better, the sooner we can go shopping together."

"Thanks, Mac. For everything. On Harm's behalf too."

I smile at the bright kid and finally leave the room as Harm enters.

I spend the next 15 minutes chatting with Lea and watching Harm and Mattie. As I see Harm getting up I bid Lea goodbye and go inside to see Mattie once again before we leave for work.

-----

The last chapter will probably be up sometime next week. Criticism good and bad always appreciated!


	9. Happy Ending

Disclaimer: no infringement intended whatsoever.

A/N: Okay, a few explanations first. I know I said I was going to take this according to the season 10 plot line and sort of make this a 'behind the scenes' story you can fit into the season to fill in the blanks, but that motif is going out the window right now. No matter how much I've tried to think it through, FW&FS simply can not be explained! There's no way they'd go from almost complete strangers to kissing, proposing and throwing everything out the window to get married! It's too much, even for those two. So I'm changing the whole thing. The ideas are still the same, but you'll see for yourselves... hope you like it!

As for you readers and reviewers, I can't thank you enough, this story and your reviews pulled me through a bit of a hard time so all your kind words were appreciated, more so than you might think.

Finally, after going on for quite a bit, here's the last chapter of this story, enjoy!

-----

The moment the words San Diego sank in, so did my heart. My gaze moves out of its own violation to my left. Harm is quick to try and soften the blow

"Well, it's only, uh, five hours away" His small smile is not enough to calm me.

The General's voice penetrates the fog. London? He's going to London? This did not just happen. Oh boy are the powers that be going to get an earful from me. I have to pull myself together. I'm accepting these orders as Harm is accepting his. Since it's the easy way out I shove all the disconcerting thoughts to the background and pretend, I'm very good at this by now.

It's in this pretend mode that I manage to get through the next 10 minutes, but as Harm and I step out of the elevator I just have to crack open a window and smell the air outside. It hits me hard. "What just happened?"

"Your world got turned upside down."

"And yours didn't, Captain?" I stress his new rank. I think his smug little head's still in the clouds over that...

"Captain... I like the sound of that." I rest my case.

I wonder if he even let the news sink in beyond the rank. He has to get his head out of his six and quickly, we've only got three days, as I've pointed out to him. He has to make the first move, it isn't my time and I really don't want to finish this one most meaningful relationship in my life with the feeling of being shot down because of great career options.

-----

As she closed her apartment door behind her, Mac heaved a deep sigh. She seemed to sigh more these days, a fact that only annoyed her more when she thought about it. The sighs reflected what she felt most perfectly – tired... old... lonely... despondent... unhappy... resigned. She didn't know what annoyed her more, the fact that she really did feel all those things, or the fact that she did nothing and allowed herself to continue feeling them.

Her previously planned lunch with Harriet couldn't have come at a better time, for she really didn't want to have Harm drive her home. She wanted him to come of his own free will to see her, for it do be his decision.

Still leaning against her door, Mac looked around at her home of nine years. She'd never actually settled down this much before. At some point she started envisioning her future here, and that never happened before either. How do you go about packing your home, knowing you're most likely never coming back? Suddenly she had a vision of her apartment without the furniture, filled with boxes. Mixed feelings of exhilaration and sadness clashed inside her, along with memories of all the times in her past she'd moved around. Those memories actually brought a smile to her face, she could do this. She wanted to see what more life had in store for her.

New determination got her through packing the kitchen, the bath, and most of her closet as well as setting up boxes for the rest of the stuff. She'd already made all her phone calls from the office so she was deep in the action of packing when she came across something that made her stop. There, way in the back of the closet, in a heap was a necklace that always had the ability to stop time for Mac. Necklace in hand, Mac sank down to the bed and thought of a certain train station in Russia. The memories came one by one in some bizarre order. What was she doing? Was she really going to San Diego? What about Harm? What about Mattie? What about herself?

Her grumbling stomach finally made her get up and head to the kitchen to find something to eat, but she was stopped midway by a knock on her door.

Seeing Harm on the other side of her door, she wasn't sure she was ready to confront him just yet, and set about looking busy, while working up the nerve.

"I needed some advice"

"Good, cause, I need yours."

"What are you doing about the lease on your apartment?"

"That's what you wanted to talk me about, real-estate?" Is he for real?

"Yeah." Well, I'm not going to help him on this one.

"I'm subletting, you remember Varise?"

"Yeah, that's the woman Turner was dating." He seems pre-occupied, dare I hope he didn't really come for moving tips?

"Still is."

It takes him a while to hear what I said, and I move closer in an attempt to make him get to the point already. "Who knew?" He finally articulates. I can be patient.

"Anyways, she's coming to DC for a few months, to see how things go with Sturgis."

"What about her career?" We're talking about Sturgis now, right?

"She's booked, six nights a week at the One Step Down. She's kind of like the house chanteuse. So, what about your apartment?"

He's still so distant as he tells me he offered it to Coates but got a negative answer.

"So, you, uh, talked to Mattie?" it seems like a lifetime passed since we visited her this morning.

"Yeah, that was the first call I made."

"She told you to go?" I'm just playing the game, I know the answer to that.

"Yes."

"What'd you say?"

"I told her I wasn't going anywhere without her?" But you are willing to go without me? "We're still waiting for the juvenile court to rule on it, however the father's not contesting it so..."

"You're a good dad." I wish I was saying this under different circumstances. Much different. We keep talking about cases and such, and he has to go through my list of people I'd like to take with me. Does he actually think I'd take Vukovic with me! After his stupid, borderline suicidal attempt this morning, the chances of that happening are as small as an ant looks from space. I've had enough of this beating around the bush, I guess it's up to me again.

"So, uh... were you ready for all this?" Maybe the slow approach won't make him run away.

"Were you?" His tone is almost accusatory and it drives me into self defense mode.

"Well, I've been dreading it for a while, but... now that it's here it doesn't seem so bad... I'm just, taking it one day at a time." Liar!

I nod in an effort to convince myself of my own words, and once again he's nodding too, trying to give credence to the lies that just came out of my mouth.

There are times during some of our more candid conversations, those that don't involve our feelings for one another that I get to see the light in his eyes. There I find the twinkle of life that reflects his soul. Lately though, those conversations are very few, and the twinkle has pretty much disappeared. It's been replaced by a disconcerting shine, not unshed tears but most certainly a deeply ingrained sadness. I can actually feel this melancholy inside as if it were my own. Sometimes I think maybe it is.

"Well, I'll leave you to your packing and get back to mine."

With half a smile he's turning and walking away. Damn that man! Yet again he's eluded my question, and made me spill out the wrong answer. I would scream if I didn't know he'd come running back to see I was okay. Then again that would probably better than what just happened.

-----

It's been two hours since Harm left my apartment and I'm now sitting in my car, once again in the hospital parking lot. The drive here is almost second nature by now. In her mental absence, I've become attached to the teenager that's pretty much been the center of Harm's world for over a year now. I considered calling, as Harm had, but that seemed wrong somehow.

Mattie's sleeping as I enter her room, and sadly enough, that puts me at ease. Taking a seat to her left, I study the features that are so familiar and find it's actually hard for me to think I'm leaving her. Another sigh escapes me.

"Mac?"

"Hey Mattie, sorry, I was lost in my own little world."

"Tha's okay, where's Harm?"

"Oh, I came by myself this time, is that okay?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess you heard the big news." She's wide awake now, excitement evident in her features. A distinct happiness fills me at the sight.

"Yup."

"You coming with us?"

Oh no... he didn't tell her.

"Mattie... I got orders of my own... I'll be moving to San Diego..." once again I'm damning the man I love for the look on the girl's face.

"But... wait... so, what's going to happen?"

That question kept popping up in the last few weeks. What is going to happen? I'd sure like to know. Sometimes I feel like an actress that doesn't know the script. What the hell am I supposed to say now? I open my mouth but no words will come out.

"Talking behind my back again?"

My head snaps up to the doorway, that man has got some timing.

"Harm." Way to state the obvious, MacKenzie.

"Hey, Mac, didn't know you were coming here tonight. How're you feeling, Matts?"

Harm focuses his attention solely on Mattie. Mattie answers his questions and responds to his jokes but keeps sending me meaningful glances every few minutes, she looks a bit ticked off.

"Earth to Mac..."

"Huh?"

"I asked how the packing was going." He's half laughing at me. How can he be so calm?

"Fine, and yours?"

"I keep finding things that send me down memory lane, so it's pretty slow." I smile knowingly then glance at Mattie. Did she just make a noise?

"Yeah, I know, I've still got a lot left to pack. Well, I'll leave you two to chat. Bye Mattie, I'll come see you again before I leave town." I am almost past Harm when Mattie stops me.

"Wait, Mac, you never answered my question."

I ignore Harm's questioning look and turn back, trying to form an answer. "It'll turn out for the best, Mattie, you've got Harm, and you'll love London."

"Yeah, but what about you?" Yeah, what about me? My watery smile barely contains the tears that are threatening to overflow. I don't know the answer to that one.

"I'm sure Mac will come visit us once in a while, right, Mac?" Harm cuts in and I nod.

The look on Mattie's face expresses all that her body language can't.

"No! Mac, you can't come visit every other night and promise to be there for me, only to walk away now!"

Harm and I both freeze at the outburst. First to thaw, I take the few steps back to her bed and cover the girl's hand with my own. I'm still unsure what to say, plus I'm holding my breath in hopes Harm didn't catch the part about my nightly visits.

"Wait, you were here every other night?" Couldn't catch a break, could I? My eyes drift shut while Mattie plunges further in.

"Yeah, cause you were too stubborn for your own good. I'm sorry, Mac, but he was going to find out eventually and you guys are killing me and each other. You're both adults. You love her. You love him. Figure it out and let a girl heal in peace, will ya?"

I feel, rather than see Harm stepping closer, he leans in and his hand comes to rest on the small of my back, while he kisses Mattie's forehead. I'm very much aware of every point on my back that's touched but then the touch is gone. Now he's prying the hand I've rested on top of Mattie's and taking it in his. My eyes finally flutter open to see a small grin on Mattie's lips. Yup, I've got it bad. I've no choice but to follow and sit next to him outside the room. My hand is still firmly in his.

"Harm, I... I wanted to be there for you and you wouldn't let me... you never gave up on me even when I pushed you so far you had no reason to come back... I..."

The stream of words trail away to nothingness the minute our eyes meet. Staring at him, I really wish he'd say something already. Yet again I can't seem to find the words. Frankly, I'm not sure I want to.

"I know this must be getting old, but thank you, Mac." His point is driven home with a peck to my lips, which brings me back to the land of the coherent with a vengeance.

"You're welcome... What now?"

He sighed deeply. "Well, I need to get to packing, I've barely started. Hey, you said you wanted my advice on something earlier..." He stops short due, I'm sure, to the stunned look I must be wearing right about now.

"What, Mac?"

"Nine years, Harm! Nine years and we still can't carry out a simple honest conversation about us! Even when it's obvious that without it there would never be an 'us'! Maybe a fresh start really is what we need. Maybe we can finally get on with our lives."

I know without a doubt that Harm is the kind of friend I could loose touch with but call 10 years later and have him at my side for whatever I need in a moments notice and without any hesitation or reservation. But is that all I want? I was so sure of my love for him. I know I want him, but that's true for any woman with a pulse. I know he's my best friend and I don't want to loose that. No, it's more than that, I'm sure of it.

"Mac, what I feel for you... I've never felt like this before."

"God, Harm! Would you, just this once, humor me and spell it out!" He should be very thankful we're in a hospital and I can't actually scream. Otherwise, his eardrums would get an assault that would rule out any flights for a week. Thus begins another one of our unspoken blinking contests.

Harm leaned in, patiently waiting for her to clue in to his intentions. Halfway he saw the flicker of understanding in her eyes and closed his in relief.

The kiss was short and sweet.

"I love you, Mac."

She felt as though she just eased into a warm, soothing bathtub and sighed, this time in relief.

"What do you say we give Mattie some rest and finish this conversation at my place?"

A raised eyebrow and a grin earned Harm a smack across his chest and some mumble about a one track mind. They rose to leave, but just before re-entering the room, Mac held Harm back. His silent question was answered when her arms wrapped around him and he found himself in a very tight embrace, one he eagerly returned.

Hand in hand they walked in to find Mattie sleeping. With a parting kiss each, they left the faking teenager in peace.

-----

The only reason I agreed to meet in his apartment is that I still haven't had a bite to eat and my place is foodless. His warm smile when he comes to open my door is enough to melt any residual frozen spots in my heart and my own smile comes easily. As if it's the most natural thing, he takes my hand in his on our way to his place and for once there's no blaming Fate. I'm thanking it.

Harm knows as well as I do we can't talk over my empty stomach so we fix a small dinner to share quietly. Harm's first to finish, and for some reason he takes my free hand and studies it. He studied it enough to give a very informed summary and possible future if he could read hands, following every line from beginning to end, circling every knuckle. Sometime in the future I hope to create a Harm-English dictionary, this was a speech in Harm and I'm sure it's translation could make me reel.

"Harm...?" I'm once again Wendy to his Peter Pan. "We really need to talk this out, our current situation isn't going to untangle on its own."

"I know."

Our smiles meet and melt into each other. It's really not fair that he has this much power over me. I promise myself to reverse the roles sometime in the near future, but not just now.

"Let's get married, Mac."

That most certainly earns him a mind blowing kiss. "Now?" I manage to breathe out. He hums an affirmative and pulls me closer to him.

A few minutes later we finally put a few inches of space between us and the look on his face makes it all sink in beyond the thrill that's still traveling up and down my spine at this man's touches.

"You're serious."

"Yeah, Mac. What do you say?"

"Don't you think we should see how things go... you know, give you a chance to change your mind if I don't measure up."

His kiss is very thorough, as if he's trying to prove me wrong. "That's not going to happen, but if you want a long engagement, I guess I can wait."

Unwilling to break contact, I keep my forehead against his, my hand absently caressing his neck. Wait, did I even answer him?

"I'd like nothing more than to be your wife, Harm."

In one quick move he's up and taking me with him in a tight embrace and what would be Webster's definition of a searing kiss.

"What took you so long, Flyboy?"

"That would take a while to answer. Besides, I'm no longer interested in the past."

"Hmm, is that right? What about our future? Can we even decide on a continent?"

He pulls back, then slips a hand behind me and leads me to his bedroom. I need my Harm-English dictionary again. "Harm?"

He doesn't break his stride. "Yeah?"

"Um... we were kind of in the middle of something back there."

He leaves me at the foot of his bed, still completely stunned and moves to his night stand. "Just.. give me a second." He throws over a shoulder as he rummages through the drawer. Flabbergasted, I sink to the bed. Well, he did just propose, I guess I can give him a second. I'm really happy I decided to sit when he turns with a triumphant smile and a small jewelry box in his hand. Oh, this is turning out to be the best day of my life.

As tradition dictates, Harm's on one knees as he opens the box to me and does it right. "Sarah, will you marry me?"

I can't stop the tears this time, that level of control is inhuman. "Yes, Harm! Yes!"

Just when I thought his smile couldn't get bigger, it just did. I feel him slip the ring onto my finger and it fits. It fits! It's not my fault he didn't think to ready himself, and we tumble to the floor as I charge into his arms and kiss him senseless.

"It's easier to ask when you already know the answer." He laughs and I join in freely. "Also, now we can discuss your earlier points more comfortably." He nods towards the bed. Personally I'm already very comfortable, on top of my favorite flyboy, but I'm sure he'll blame me for his backaches later. Getting up I tug Harm and we recline in his bed.

"What are we going to do about our careers?" I start the reasonable conversation again.

"I don't know Mac, we've both received orders that are great career boosters and we both love our careers." Stupid Fate.

"There are plenty of couples that get through these things, but not in the very beginning of the relationship."

"This is hardly the beginning of our relationship, Mac."

"Oh, you know what I mean." Suddenly the unfairness of it all really gets to me. "Why couldn't we get together like every normal couple? Why does it always have to be so damn dramatic with us?"

"We're no normal couple, besides, with all our history it would be kind of disappointing if it just happened with no apparent reason, don't you think?" It's his kiss to my nose that sends me giggling and thanking Fate once again.

"You've got a point there, flyboy."

"What do you say we talk to the General, see what his input is on this? We still have two days before the very final decision. Either way, we're engaged to be married. Can't back out now, Marine. You said yes twice." As if I'd ever want to back out.

"What about Mattie?"

"Mac, can we... just, continue this conversation tomorrow?"

"You tired, flyboy?" I'll bet he just wants me to stop making sense.

"Well, not exactly, but I can think of a few other things I'd like to do right now." He moves so he's now over me and then he whispers in my ear, "Like show you exactly how much I love you, Sarah."

All at once, my entire being seems to melt into him. This, this is what I've been missing from him, from our relationship. There's no way around it, I'm going to have to tell him. This is very new territory to me but he's got to know. Do you just blurt it out? Freedom reigns as I feel his breath move against my cheek and his body move against mine and the words take a life of their own.

"I love you, Harm."

-----

The (happy) End!


End file.
